#8) When Did You Know?

A kiss with a beautiful woman

Patrice Donnelly and Mariel Hemingway (1982)

(I am excited to share that Straight to Gay is now #1 in Women and LGBT on Substack!)

The most frequent question asked on lesbian first dates is: when did you first know you were gay? The topic of what I knew and when I knew it is one I have analyzed and reanalyzed more times than I can count! I’ve tried to separate out simple crushes on authority figures like beautiful teachers or coaches, or that adorably cute girl in my class or on my team, from when I saw myself in a position to act on those impulses. Perhaps, I posited, there were snippets and clues along the way: as a youngster I dressed like a tomboy, preferred playing with my Best of the West action figures over dolls, and had as many guy friends as girls for countless hours of whiffle ball in my backyard. Yet I’ve come to observe, after two decades of dating women, that these old tropes are not the determinant of sexual identity. Many of the lesbian or bisexual women I have dated are feminine or ultra femme, and know more about nail polish and yoga poses than how many outs there are in an inning. Conversely, I know a myriad of former tomboys who are happily heterosexual.